Hello, friends! Given the serious preaching of my last four blog posts, I’ve decided to lighten things up a bit with a more realistic look at some of our favorite superheroes. For now, I’ll stick to Marvel’s Avengers, and in the end I’ll mention Wolverine because in the comics he occasionally joins the Avengers.
Now to poke fun at the temper tantrums of the Incredible Hulk, whose powers apparently include switching bodies between movies, would be far too easy, so I’ll leave him alone.
A far better target would be Thor, the Asgardian thunder-g-…wait, in Thor: Dark World, Odin says that the Asgardians are not gods, so…Thor, the Asgardian thunder-guy! Despite being around a thousand years old, Thor is often considered the epitome of manliness, a strong-man who eats a lot, drinks a lot, fights a lot…you get the picture. And yet, you’ll find that he still lives with his parents. As a matter of fact, both the movie and comics begin with his dad kicking him out of the house. Perhaps in the first film, Odin wasn’t so much overreacting to Thor’s invasion of Jotunheim as he was simply looking for an excuse to make his kid get his own place. So Thor goes to Earth, makes friends and, ultimately, returns to living with his parents. But never fear! Thor still gets time to hang out with his friends in their old apartment/planet. For now, Odin needs only bide his time and slowly guilt Thor into moving out. Perhaps Loki would be good for that job…
Next up is Iron Man, who is essentially Marvel’s Batman! Being rich and super-intelligent, his parents are both dead, leaving him an advanced hideout in which he builds all kinds of devices and toys to add to his bat-sui-…sorry, Iron Man suit. Of course, he’s not completely like Batman. After all, Tony Stark is a playboy, just like Bruce…well, at least he can fly. Batman would need a flying Batmobile for that one. And what would he call it? The Batwing?
Batman’s flying vehicle from “The Dark Knight Rises”
Next, let’s take a look at Captain America! He happens to be my wife’s personal favorite. I’m fond of him because I’m a decent fan of World War II, in which Captain America’s origin resides. But he misses that fight after being frozen for the better part of a century. So now, in our time (or the near future), he dons his new uniform, consisting of red, white and blue, complete with a shield and helmet that makes him appear bald. So despite being old and apparently bald (while in costume), he often chooses to lead his special team in battles against evil villains. Who else could hold those credentials? I mean, except Professor X.
But the Avengers are different from the X-Men because Captain America often shares leadership with Nick Fury, played by Samuel L. Jackson!
Well, at least he’s not old. But let’s flip things up a bit and trade in the baldness for general oldness. Who do we have? Wolverine! Another old guy, but one that doesn’t like to play by the rules! He’s a fan favorite because he’s able to heal so quickly, which is helpful for someone who gets shot and beaten up more than pretty much any human being ever. But he has those claws! Personally, I’m just glad those claws look like knives and not just extended fingernails, because that would be…
Sabretooth from “X-Men”
Well, at least his claws are bone and not shining silver like nail polish. Then you’d get some sort of female Wolverine.
Lady Deathstrike from “X-Men United”
Okay, okay, so what have we learned here? I’ve narrowed it down to 2 things:
- Basically, if there’s a thought, no matter how absurd and ridiculous, the fans will eat it up when Marvel – which most likely already formed it into a superhero or supervillain – prints it for them.
- If you are said superhero, or any superhero, for that matter, you will inevitably find yourself working for someone who is old and bald and white, or some combination of these factors. But definitely bald. This will most likely be the case even for supervillains.
Until next time, friends…
Stay tuned for my next blog post, in which I’ll explore a conspiracy!
The Outside View 